Stressed

It's always Thursday that makes me feel goddamnit awful & like crap.
Cuz there's IS & it's forever rushing for time.
Take tday for example, we go through th concepts tday & r supposed t come up w advertisements & present it the next week. Hello! You think we only have this ONE module!?
It's crazy rush lor! & obviously I can't work well under stressed please.


So every time aftr class on Thursday I'd call Baby & rant. Srsly feel like crap now. Im like forever rushing for time, fighting for tt extra one minute t get things done. & I HATE IT.


& now I have another project on hand which I have no idea how & where t start. So demoralizing. Especially whn th deadline's like NEAR. Ya la, I procrastinate too. But m just not motivated t do anything. I know Im trusted w that responsibility & I should fulfil it. But somehow, I feel like I'm not profficient in that at all.


Nd it's moments like this, that makes me feel utterly useless. People around me, they can be good with so many things. Techy stuff, fashion, photography, artistic creations, blablabla. But I can't seem t find one that is applicable t myself.
Like I have no passion. I have no goals in life. More recently, especially seeing few mates graduating & moving t th next stage in life - working. I question myself more often than I thought I would; what d I want t do next? What d I want t do w myself aftr I graduate? Where d I see myself at in 5 years' time?
I simply have no answer.
& that is dejecting.


Maybe I think too much, I don't know? It's so stressful & saddening how a simple stressed up day can make me so negative altogether. It's a every week thing, t feel like Im rushing t finish my IS reports, I should take it lightly cuz I saw it coming & I know I'd ultimately complete it on time. But nonetheless, I always, ALWAYS, let it get t me & successfully make myself feel rotten. & thanks uh, th rain tday did not help.


Realistically, I have my week4 tutorials t complete. I have my IEF elearning t complete. I have my BCOMM report t write up. & I have so many projects that I have not started a fucking single shit. I ought t be worrying & rushing. But I just don't give a fucking damn now. I just wnna cut away everything relating t school...
Right now.. I just wnna go back t Wentworth Miller (& my awesome dream this morning).


Bye guys.

Why is it always th IS modules of a pass or fail grade that eats up my time.
But lucky for me, apart from CATS, all other IS team mates r awesome people!
Ok back t my Social Psychology report NOW.

The Pact

There was nothing left to say.       He covered her body with his, and as she put her arms around him she could picture him in all his incarnations: age five, and still blond; age eleven, sprouting; age thirteen, with the hands of a man. The moon rolled, sloe–eyed in the night sky; and she breathed in the scent of his skin."I love you,"she said.       He kissed her so gently she wondered if she had imagined it. She pulled back slightly, to look into his eyes.       And then there was a shot.

Can you imagine you love someone so deeply & so much that you can't picture yourself without them?

That whn you close your eyes t see yourself, you never do that without picturing that person right next t you?

Can you imagine you love somebody so much that you're willing to do anything they ask of you? 

Even if it meant murder.

Chris & Em were joined at th hips & from their earliest memory, they always had each other. 

They were each other's other half.

But Em is keeping a secret from everyone. Her family, her friends & even her other half.

So much so that she couldn't stand living & wanted Chris t help her end her life.

Like any other JP's novel, when I was reading The Pact, I was enthralled by th story & couldn't put th book down.

Th fear nd loneliness Chris felt during th 7 months when he was jailed, th way you struggle t go t th funeral of your beloved but you just can't cuz you're suspected of being th murderer, th way you hurt whn you read about Em's sufferings,

th determination Gus had & all she wanted t was t save her son but her husband was not supportive, & th struggle Chris went through before he shot Em. It's like you could feel it. 

Like you could understand & feel how they felt.

You don't really know if Chris shot Em until you finish th book. 

In between here & there, I did wonder. If th person you love deeply was suffering & was begging you t end their suffering, what would you do?

Especially if it meant having them leaving you. I don't know if I'd be strong as Chris.

He loved Em so much that he could bear th pain & sufferings himself, but he could not bear hers.

He knew that saving her would mean killing her but he still did it.

He loved her that much t put her pain before his & stayed behind t be called a murderer, even though all he did

was t relieve his loved one from pain.

Many a time throughout th book, I stopped & wonder if I could do it. I wonder if I could take it, being left behind,

w th scene haunting me & being tried w people calling me murderer even though all I ever wanted was t free my loved one from his pain & agony.

I've read 5 of JP's novel & each time I finish reading one, I'd go into a withdrawal.

Whn I read My Sister's Keeper, I was completely drawn to it. Th impact it left was huge. & I started wondering about many things.

Now that I've finished this (& am about t embark on House Rules), I feel ashamed.

I don't know if I could pull th trigger if my beloved asked me to. I don't know if I would hate him for leaving me behind (not that Chris didn't hate Em for doing that, but he got over it as soon as he had that thought cuz he loved her that much)

It may be as selfish, but I'd rather he be here & I'd suffer his pain w him rather than helping him t die & live as an empty soul.

Love is about being able to put th person before yourself & Chris did that. He overcame his fear of living w/o Em, being called a murderer & put her wish (of dying) as priority & fulfilled her wish.

I love Eric. But my love for him, is not th same as Chris had loved Em. I belong t th selfish clan.

I'm not saying what Chris did was right. In fact, I agreed w his actions. 

But I just don't think I have th courage t do it & I feel weak for my feeling&actions doesn't go together.

Married.

One of my secondary school best mate is getting hitched!!!

Of course Im happy for her, cuz she & her boyfriend have been together since sec4 I suppose.

We used t tease her & called her th MANEATER cus she practically liked every boys in our school, even th ugliest then, GH.

But she's now happily engaged to her boyfriend & while I'm bloody happy for her, I AM SO ENVIOUS OF HER TOO!

Y'know, it's always been my dream age t get married at 21. & now that I really am 21, I see myself nowhere near that "target" & it's kinda um, sad? Or rather, disheartening. I know, it's doesnt matter whether if you're married or not so long you're in love w each other. But, I just wnna marry th person I love.

Maybe it's th feeling of coming back t a place you call "our home", maybe it's th feeling of someone getting your back no matter what, or th vows you swore by for each other when you get married, or even th "marital status" column you tick whn you fill application forms. HAHAHAH. Of course th last maybe was a joke.

But y'know, th difference of saying we're together (but not married) VS we're married.

I used t think marriage @ 21 was possible & I wnna do that. Perhaps cuz my mum was alr married t my dad whn she was my age. She'd sometimes joke about that & say that by 21 she's alr married but at 21, I'm still like a kiddo who can't even take care of herself.

Don't laugh at what I'm about t say cuz I'm sure all gurls have dreamt or at least given some thought about it before; th dream proposal.

While many always talk about their dream wedding, I always envision my dream proposal. Afterall, a proposal must occur first before th wedding isn't it?

I've always dreamt my proposal (obviously boyfriend proposing t me) t be filmed down. So that I could play it during my actual wedding day. I remember I ever watched a show, helping th guys t propose t their gfriends & they'd film down their expressions & play em during their wedding.

My god, it was so beautiful & romantic! Those expressions whn th boyfriends went down on one knee & whn she say I do. IT IS PRICELESS. & c'mon, you don't get guys getting down on a knee proposing t you everyday, why wouldn't you wnna film it down & playback later!

Content might not be cohesive.

I am just envious of people who get married young.

Bye!

Life has been good lately. Nua-ing on our big bed (though tad hard cuz it's still new) all day long & spent th day we were supposed t go pak tor sleeping at home instead. Cuz th bed has been that comfortable & th weather has been very good.


Haven't been blogging cuz I've new stuff t occupy myself with; Jodi Picoult's novels!!!! So excited cuz I bought 2 whn I went book shopping w mumsie. M half way through th first & can't wait for t read th ending! It's called The Pact. Syazzy if you're reading this, borrow from me if you're interested! ^^


Ok gtg! Love ya'll whose still here. Xx